Christmas with the family

What a Christmas.  I spent the entire day yesterday with my parents, my brother and sister-in-law and their beautiful 22 month old son at her parents house.  My nephew is really something special.  He's still in that phase where opening the presents is more fun than the actual gifts inside the wrapping.  I remember him tossing up tissue paper into the air over and over again.  The family is doing really well.  No fights and my dad is strong enough to walk up and down an entire flight of stairs with his grandson (a sight that I thought I'd never see based on what happened over the summer).  This really is one of the best Christmas' ever.  

Thanksgiving thoughts

Well, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.  For me this holiday seems a little more like New Years.  It seems like a good time to put the last year behind me and start this next one off right.  

Last year was really difficult for me for several reasons, but instead of dwelling on those, I'd like to start this one off without all the whining, so here are two things that I assume will be terrific in by the time next Thanksgiving rolls around:

1.  I think that my debate team will be one of the most dominating teams in the state.  This is a lofty goal, but I really think that our youth and built in advantages will yield fantastic results.  

2.  I think that I will have settled into Tulsa better and will have more fun being there.  I've been there for a year and a half now.  It's time to get out and go exploring.  

I hope that everyone feels like this year will be better than the last, and I wish a Happy Thanksgiving to all.  

Show opens tonight...

... and the set just got the finishing touches.  With 3 hours to spare.  That seems to be the story of my life lately.  It's like I'm intentionally waiting until the last minute to do very simple things at work and around the house and what not.  I don't think it's particularly healthy to have this degree of self sabatoge.  But that's how I roll.

Busy Week

1 debate tournament next week + 1 set of travel plans for a tournament in California + set design for a show in December + set construction for a show opening on Nov 11th = overload.  Throw in a little stress from the job I get paid for and stress of friends and family, and you get one crazy bad shoe guy.  

Yom Kippur Thoughts

I know it's a little late, but I suppose it's still worth saying.  

A few weeks ago was Yom Kippur and even though I don't go to services anymore, it still means something to me.  As such, I would like to take this opportunity to tell everyone that I know and love that I am sorry.  

I'm sorry that I haven't been more responsible with myself and our friendships/relationships/etc.  I'm sorry that there were undoubtedly times that I promised something or you were counting on me to come through and I let you down.  I hope that in the future, I can be a better friend and family member and individual, and I know that even though the better individual part doesn't really meet the criteria of asking forgiveness, I also know that being better will make me a more responsible and better friend and family member.  

So there it is.  I ask your forgiveness and I grant you mine.  Even if you never read this, even if you never sk for it.  Even if you don't forgive me.  

Does this qualify me as pathetic?

This post was written about a week ago, so the references to "today" aren't really today.  

Well, today I went to my parents’ house and got in the car with them and we all drove down to our old home town.  I don’t know why I call it that, we never actually lived in that town but it always feels like we did.  The town we lived in was really about 20 minutes away (you can tell when you’re in the rural Midwest because distance is always told by time rather than a unit of physical measurement), but most of our family and most of our family friends have relocated there.  Anyway, we went and visited my aunt that none of us really like – of course we love the entire family, we just don’t really have much of an occasion to talk to this particular faction so we don’t have a liking kind of relationship.  That’s not to say that we actively dislike any of the family, we just sort of nothing them on that scale.  Anyway, The last time I was in their house was for my cousin’s graduation with my then fiancée, and now I’m in the back seat of my parents’ car feeling and listening to sad bastard music and feeling generally like a lonely and depressed child.  I guess it’s just because of the reminiscence.  I will say that Spain and Elliot Smith are not good artists to listen to when you’re in a funk.  Or maybe they’re the best artists in the world to listen to. 

And that’s what got me thinking.  Maybe the reason I can’t get over my ex isn’t that she was so great(she often was) or that life was perfect (it wasn’t)but it’s that I just don’t want to let go of the last thing I have of her which is my memory and feelings about those memories.  Maybe I revel in the depression, and I don’t want to take anything away from those with clinical depression, but I think depression is the only way to adequately describe what I’ve been going through.  All the symptoms are there – lack of motivation, unexplained weight gain, anger management issues, etc.  I’m pretty sure that if I looked it up in the DSM IV I’d have any number of other symptoms, too.  But if I really wanted to stop all of this, wouldn’t I turn the music off?  Or at least pick artists that aren’t exclusively sad?  The only conclusion that I can come to is yes. 

I’ve had the chance to go out with a few other people, but I seem to always find reasons to shoot them down.  Lately I’ve been on an online dating service.  I thought going to a movie or eating out alone was pathetic until I gave one of these places some of my money to set me up with complete strangers.  It’s like paying someone to be my mom, except I don’t have to deal with any of the mom bullshit afterward.  On second thought, maybe I should pay them more.  That seems to be a pretty valuable service. 

But none of this is the point of what I want to talk about.  In spite of all of this, the sad music, depression, loneliness, feelings of being pathetic, etc, it never ceases to amaze me when I’m driving that any and every song that you can think of seems to be good – even the crap.  Every single song is appropriate.  If it’s not, it’s just because you’re not in the mood for it.  And the environment doesn’t even matter.  It can be good weather or bad weather.  Cloudy, rainy, snowing, sunshine, mid day or midnight are all arbitrary – the song is the environment.  Is there something so integral to our personhood about driving that everything one can do in a car seems absolutely correct at every moment?  Drive at dusk and listen to “I’m walking on sunshine” and you’ll be happy.  Try it with “Almost Blue” by Elvis Costello and you’ll be sad.  It’s as simple as that. 

Maybe this only exists when driving for a long time and not being in any real hurry.  Maybe it only works in the wide open spaces of the west and Midwest.  More tests are needed to conclude my theory, but there it is.  I’m in a situation that seems to encourage being melancholy, but if I were listening to happier music, would I be focusing on how great it is to see family again or how seeing my dad walk on his own into my aunt’s house was inspiring?  I tend to think so.   

Bumper Sticker Epiphony

I went to get groceries and some other stuff for my house today at Wal-Mart.  

I live in a city still recovering from a decades long racial divide and I live and shop basically along that line in the city, and that includes the closest Wal-Mart.  Now this part of town is still suffering from the social tensions and all that tends to come along with that, namely, poverty, a lack of a sense of community, and division between groups along racial lines. 

While I was at this Walmart, I noticed something.  I think I was the only person in the parking lot with an NPR sticker on my car.  

This brought about a revelation for me.  I've been listening to the political coverage quite a bit lately and it seems as though, traditionally, politicians tend to appeal to our caricatures rather than us.  And that's not really a knock on politicians; I would too.  It's easier to treat people as stats and create new demographics rather than trying to understand the whole person.  Hispanic Voters will break this way, Soccer Moms that way.  But people who fit into these categories it into thousands of different other categories.  The problem as I see it is that, when these things get repeated enough, we start to buy into it, too.  We put down all the little things that make us interesting and adopt these labels and deny ourselves.  

I shop at Wal-Mart, and I know that says something about me.  I also listen to NPR and I know that says something else about me.  I think that the world is far too simplistic when we see those two things as being opposed to one another.  

I think I've officially passed the point of being young and am now middle aged.

I had this conversation over the summer about when you start being an adult in the eys of the world, and it mostly focused on celebrities/athletes/etc being younger than you. I still believe that is the defining point at which one goes from being young to an adult. But I'm talking about something much more severe - the transition from adult to middle aged.

I was listening to my favoite radio program - This American Life - last night on a podcast and they were talking about breakups. It hit home with me having recently been through a breakup that I am in no way over yet, but that's not the real issue here. During one of the segments, they played a Phil Collins song - Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now). Now I'll be the first to say that I always saw Phil Collins as a...what's the term...oh yeah, no-talent-ass-clown, and really a poor man's Peter Gabriel, and or the most part that's still true (in fact, if I ever hear Sussudio again I might have to kill someone) but damn, that song is good. Here are the lyrics. See if you can look at them and not immediately think ofthe last time your heart was broken.

How can i just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When i stand here taking every breath
with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all i can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain
and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds
and that's what i've got to face

I wish i could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much i need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face

Now take a look at me now,
cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all i can do
and that's what i've got to face

Take a good look at me now,
cos i'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance i've gotta take

Take a look at me now

I don't think he's a no-talent-ass-clown anymore, but I do think the only way to improve this song is to have Peter Gabriel sing it. I guess I can hang on to that.

I like it!

Well, I for one am on board with the Democratic ticket. I'm not going to pretend that there was anyone that Obama could have picked other than maybe Kim Jong Il that would have turned me off of him, but the more I hear from Biden, the more I like him. What's ironic about all of this is that Obama didn't come out of left field for me - I was in Illinois when he was running for Senate - but I don't really know that much about Biden. He wouldn't have been my first choice (Michael Phelps), but I don't think he meets the Constitutional requirements.

Anything's possible

I remember driving out to the National Debate Tournament in Las Vegas this summer. When going through the Hoover Dam, I kept thinking that we can do anything - anything at all - if we really dedicate ourselves to it.

No land where you think there should be some, just ask the people in Dubai if that's possible.

Land where you don't want there to be any, see Panama.

How far away is the moon? I guess it doesn't matter because we shot people there several times on a rocket with less computing technology than I'm using right now to type a blog.

That's what I mean by dedication. If we put enough intelligence, planning, money, time, and labor into any dream we have, it can come true.

Now you may be asking yourself why I'm talking about this. Well, today I was reminded of all those things. My dad is coming home from the hospital. Thank you to all those who helped me and my family to get through this, even if it was just listening as we let out our frustrations, fears, anger and doubt.

Is it always like this?

So today was the first day I had to report back to work. That was 10 hours of getting next o nothing done. We had to work in mixed groups to accomplish tasks and generate discussion and then we were in a presentation on accommodations for 3+ hours.

Now I should be clear on this point: I think schools should do everything (within reason) they can to accommodate those who learn differently. But here's the rub - the lecture was almost entirely geared toward those who teach out of a textbook and give homework and tests, and my classes just aren't like that. I suppose they could be if I wanted them to suck, but for the most part, I try to do stuff that is more hands on. Moreover, there were significant performative contradictions in this lecture.

The lecturer wanted us to not paint students with a broad brush and to target our teaching styles (meanwhile he was treating us as though we all taught the same way). He also told us to be sure in our lessons to be very specific about what was involved so that those who need that could get it (however, when he went over strategies for accommodation, it seemed to be one of he more vague things I've ever heard).

So there you have it. Time that could have been spent on any number of things - the least of which could have been departmental brainstorming on ways to accommodate - not totally wasted, but not terribly productive, either. Oh well, I guess that's teaching.

I'm a little messed up

It's kind of weird being back here. I only created this place as a way to vent about things in my life that I couldn't seem to deal with, and I guess that 's why I'm back. I was just reading the last post (seriously, 17 months ago?) and decided that I needed to catch up with myself. Here goes:

Things were going so well after the last post. I was engaged to a beautiful woman who I was truly in love with and working at the job of my dreams. The family seemed to be a little less crazy (sanity is too much to hope for, so I'll settle for less insane) and everyone was doing alright. Then, the walls started crashing in.

First (at least chronologically, if not by order of importance) the fiancee and I are no longer. She decided that I wasn't what she was looking for after all last November. That put me in a really bad place, and I'd like to give a special shout out to the only person who might even read this fr helping me to get through that.
I was really hoping that it could work out for the longest time, but recently have come to the realization that it's never going to happen. I guess that's life, but I don't have to like it. Right now I'm trying to get back on the horse, but that beast sits up high.

As a result of this, I start shopping around for new employment. That begins a whole other dilemma of finding a place to work and then deciding against it and then, finally, deciding that it would be a good fit after all. Just as I've made my mind up to take it, it goes to someone else. A little distressing, sure, but overall, this is not a big deal. I just wish I had been considered for the position.

Then the mack daddy of it all comes down. On May 17th my parents are in Plano for a wedding when my dad starts getting chest pains. He had a heart attack about 10 years ago, so we don't take chest pains lightly. He goes to the hospital in Plano and they discover that he is anemic. After a couple of days, we discover that it is due to an ulcerated mass in his stomach near his pancreas. I hope that no one ever has to go through the waiting to find out if a loved one has inoperable cancer or not, because those 24 hours or so were about all I thought I could take.

I remember when the nurse looked up the report and told my mom that the pancreas was clear of any development. I remember thinking that it was a real relief.

So we go to OKC r a procedure called a Whipple to remove this cancer that is isolated to the duodenum, and the surgical team there seems to do their jobs really well. The surgery goes off just fine, and when I call my brother to tell him that our father is alive and in recovery, I absolutely lose it. On a therapy note, I tend to bottle up feelings that I don't like and let them rush out all at once (probably why I'm an angry SOB right now, but that's getting ahead of myself).

Then the fun part starts. Dad has a bad reaction to some medication. Dad develops an incredibly rare blood disorder (actually, 2). Dad starts developing blood clots. Dad gets pneumonia. Dad had respiratory failure. Dad has renal failure. Dad starts going crazy. Dad goes into atrial fibrillation. Dad gets infections. Dad has abscessed fluid building up all over his abdomen. Dad loses virtually all of his muscle mass.

While all of this stuff isn't at the same time, it gets pretty bad. We all think we're going to lose him on no less than 3 separate occasions. He's in physical therapy rehab now, and we think he's finally getting better. I can say without reservation that the day he is able to go home will be the happiest day of my life.

But in the meantime, I am really upset. There are a lot of reasons, and I'm not that into putting them here, but I'm going to be posting a lot more often to try to deal with all of this. So sorry if you wasted your time reading this, I just needed to vent a little. I'll try to post things that are easier to read in the future.

Adios