This post was written about a week ago, so the references to "today" aren't really today.
Well, today I went to my parents’ house and got in the car with them and we all drove down to our old home town. I don’t know why I call it that, we never actually lived in that town but it always feels like we did. The town we lived in was really about 20 minutes away (you can tell when you’re in the rural Midwest because distance is always told by time rather than a unit of physical measurement), but most of our family and most of our family friends have relocated there. Anyway, we went and visited my aunt that none of us really like – of course we love the entire family, we just don’t really have much of an occasion to talk to this particular faction so we don’t have a liking kind of relationship. That’s not to say that we actively dislike any of the family, we just sort of nothing them on that scale. Anyway, The last time I was in their house was for my cousin’s graduation with my then fiancée, and now I’m in the back seat of my parents’ car feeling and listening to sad bastard music and feeling generally like a lonely and depressed child. I guess it’s just because of the reminiscence. I will say that Spain and Elliot Smith are not good artists to listen to when you’re in a funk. Or maybe they’re the best artists in the world to listen to.
And that’s what got me thinking. Maybe the reason I can’t get over my ex isn’t that she was so great(she often was) or that life was perfect (it wasn’t)but it’s that I just don’t want to let go of the last thing I have of her which is my memory and feelings about those memories. Maybe I revel in the depression, and I don’t want to take anything away from those with clinical depression, but I think depression is the only way to adequately describe what I’ve been going through. All the symptoms are there – lack of motivation, unexplained weight gain, anger management issues, etc. I’m pretty sure that if I looked it up in the DSM IV I’d have any number of other symptoms, too. But if I really wanted to stop all of this, wouldn’t I turn the music off? Or at least pick artists that aren’t exclusively sad? The only conclusion that I can come to is yes.
I’ve had the chance to go out with a few other people, but I seem to always find reasons to shoot them down. Lately I’ve been on an online dating service. I thought going to a movie or eating out alone was pathetic until I gave one of these places some of my money to set me up with complete strangers. It’s like paying someone to be my mom, except I don’t have to deal with any of the mom bullshit afterward. On second thought, maybe I should pay them more. That seems to be a pretty valuable service.
But none of this is the point of what I want to talk about. In spite of all of this, the sad music, depression, loneliness, feelings of being pathetic, etc, it never ceases to amaze me when I’m driving that any and every song that you can think of seems to be good – even the crap. Every single song is appropriate. If it’s not, it’s just because you’re not in the mood for it. And the environment doesn’t even matter. It can be good weather or bad weather. Cloudy, rainy, snowing, sunshine, mid day or midnight are all arbitrary – the song is the environment. Is there something so integral to our personhood about driving that everything one can do in a car seems absolutely correct at every moment? Drive at dusk and listen to “I’m walking on sunshine” and you’ll be happy. Try it with “Almost Blue” by Elvis Costello and you’ll be sad. It’s as simple as that.
Maybe this only exists when driving for a long time and not being in any real hurry. Maybe it only works in the wide open spaces of the west and Midwest. More tests are needed to conclude my theory, but there it is. I’m in a situation that seems to encourage being melancholy, but if I were listening to happier music, would I be focusing on how great it is to see family again or how seeing my dad walk on his own into my aunt’s house was inspiring? I tend to think so.
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