Friday, December 26, 2008
Christmas with the family
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thanksgiving thoughts
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Show opens tonight...
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Busy Week
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Yom Kippur Thoughts
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Does this qualify me as pathetic?
This post was written about a week ago, so the references to "today" aren't really today.
Well, today I went to my parents’ house and got in the car with them and we all drove down to our old home town. I don’t know why I call it that, we never actually lived in that town but it always feels like we did. The town we lived in was really about 20 minutes away (you can tell when you’re in the rural Midwest because distance is always told by time rather than a unit of physical measurement), but most of our family and most of our family friends have relocated there. Anyway, we went and visited my aunt that none of us really like – of course we love the entire family, we just don’t really have much of an occasion to talk to this particular faction so we don’t have a liking kind of relationship. That’s not to say that we actively dislike any of the family, we just sort of nothing them on that scale. Anyway, The last time I was in their house was for my cousin’s graduation with my then fiancĂ©e, and now I’m in the back seat of my parents’ car feeling and listening to sad bastard music and feeling generally like a lonely and depressed child. I guess it’s just because of the reminiscence. I will say that Spain and Elliot Smith are not good artists to listen to when you’re in a funk. Or maybe they’re the best artists in the world to listen to.
And that’s what got me thinking. Maybe the reason I can’t get over my ex isn’t that she was so great(she often was) or that life was perfect (it wasn’t)but it’s that I just don’t want to let go of the last thing I have of her which is my memory and feelings about those memories. Maybe I revel in the depression, and I don’t want to take anything away from those with clinical depression, but I think depression is the only way to adequately describe what I’ve been going through. All the symptoms are there – lack of motivation, unexplained weight gain, anger management issues, etc. I’m pretty sure that if I looked it up in the DSM IV I’d have any number of other symptoms, too. But if I really wanted to stop all of this, wouldn’t I turn the music off? Or at least pick artists that aren’t exclusively sad? The only conclusion that I can come to is yes.
I’ve had the chance to go out with a few other people, but I seem to always find reasons to shoot them down. Lately I’ve been on an online dating service. I thought going to a movie or eating out alone was pathetic until I gave one of these places some of my money to set me up with complete strangers. It’s like paying someone to be my mom, except I don’t have to deal with any of the mom bullshit afterward. On second thought, maybe I should pay them more. That seems to be a pretty valuable service.
But none of this is the point of what I want to talk about. In spite of all of this, the sad music, depression, loneliness, feelings of being pathetic, etc, it never ceases to amaze me when I’m driving that any and every song that you can think of seems to be good – even the crap. Every single song is appropriate. If it’s not, it’s just because you’re not in the mood for it. And the environment doesn’t even matter. It can be good weather or bad weather. Cloudy, rainy, snowing, sunshine, mid day or midnight are all arbitrary – the song is the environment. Is there something so integral to our personhood about driving that everything one can do in a car seems absolutely correct at every moment? Drive at dusk and listen to “I’m walking on sunshine” and you’ll be happy. Try it with “Almost Blue” by Elvis Costello and you’ll be sad. It’s as simple as that.
Maybe this only exists when driving for a long time and not being in any real hurry. Maybe it only works in the wide open spaces of the west and Midwest. More tests are needed to conclude my theory, but there it is. I’m in a situation that seems to encourage being melancholy, but if I were listening to happier music, would I be focusing on how great it is to see family again or how seeing my dad walk on his own into my aunt’s house was inspiring? I tend to think so.
Bumper Sticker Epiphony
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I had this conversation over the summer about when you start being an adult in the eys of the world, and it mostly focused on celebrities/athletes/etc being younger than you. I still believe that is the defining point at which one goes from being young to an adult. But I'm talking about something much more severe - the transition from adult to middle aged.
I was listening to my favoite radio program - This American Life - last night on a podcast and they were talking about breakups. It hit home with me having recently been through a breakup that I am in no way over yet, but that's not the real issue here. During one of the segments, they played a Phil Collins song - Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now). Now I'll be the first to say that I always saw Phil Collins as a...what's the term...oh yeah, no-talent-ass-clown, and really a poor man's Peter Gabriel, and or the most part that's still true (in fact, if I ever hear Sussudio again I might have to kill someone) but damn, that song is good. Here are the lyrics. See if you can look at them and not immediately think ofthe last time your heart was broken.
How can i just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When i stand here taking every breath
with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me,
When all i can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain
and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now,
oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds
and that's what i've got to face
I wish i could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much i need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now,
cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all i can do
and that's what i've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
cos i'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance i've gotta take
Take a look at me now
I don't think he's a no-talent-ass-clown anymore, but I do think the only way to improve this song is to have Peter Gabriel sing it. I guess I can hang on to that.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I like it!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Anything's possible
No land where you think there should be some, just ask the people in Dubai if that's possible.
Land where you don't want there to be any, see Panama.
How far away is the moon? I guess it doesn't matter because we shot people there several times on a rocket with less computing technology than I'm using right now to type a blog.
That's what I mean by dedication. If we put enough intelligence, planning, money, time, and labor into any dream we have, it can come true.
Now you may be asking yourself why I'm talking about this. Well, today I was reminded of all those things. My dad is coming home from the hospital. Thank you to all those who helped me and my family to get through this, even if it was just listening as we let out our frustrations, fears, anger and doubt.